FASD with Mick Jewell

Paul Shriever:

My name is Paul Shriever, and today I'm with my colleague, Chantal Boyle.

Chantal Boyle:

Hi! How are you doing?

Paul Shriever:

Today I'll be talking to Mick Jewell about his working with children with hidden disabilities, fostering, and his book. Eight years ago, you completely changed your career from focusing on high-end house design to predominantly work with children with behavioral issues. What triggered this change?

Mick Jewell:

It was a gradual change. But it was pretty simple, because once I started looking after children as a foster carer, work became... and the professional element of work in the industry of high-end house design and building... became very insignificant and secondary. And I used to very often come home and say to Sian, "We've achieved something today, but it wasn't significant in the world." And it was very obvious that there was a pathway that I could take that was much more worthy, and that's really where it came from.

Paul Shriever:

Oh, yeah. That's brilliant that you've had the sort of courage of your convictions and your thoughts to actually act and change your career. Can you just go on a little bit more about that? I mean, what happened? You just literally decided, and then obviously agreed with your wife. And then what did you do?

Mick Jewell:

Obviously, I was in a very lucky position that financially I was able to take an early retirement and be able to move into a different area. But it was very much a case of joining a lot of different local support groups and fostering focus groups.

Mick Jewell:

A couple of the children that came in to live with us, they had specific issues... one being fetal alcohol spectrum disorder... that I've never heard of before. And still, there are a lot of people that haven't heard of it today. Very much a hidden disability that is debilitating for children, and they can't really get through life because it affects the brain and it affects the patterns, the memory, the processing abilities. And so it was very much a case of learning as much as I possibly could about that to make a difference for the kids we were looking after, really.

Paul Shriever:

What made you decide to get into fostering children? Why that specifically?

Mick Jewell:

Sian and I, we joined our families in 2002. We'd known each other for a couple years, and took the very risky decision to move our families in together as you see in the movies... all those disaster movies... where people move their kids in together. And so I became a step-dad to her three children. She became a step-mom to my two.

Mick Jewell:

To be honest, we had an absolutely amazing time. We wanted to offer that to somebody else. We talked about having our own children, but we were too old. And the dynamics would have changed enormously if we would have done it.

Mick Jewell:

It was very much a case of then saying, "You know? Let's give it a go. Let's see if we can help somebody." There were a few reasons behind it. We had looked after one of Sian's nephews for little while who was having a few emotional problems for a few weeks in the summer, and just said, "Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to do that for somebody who has got longer-term problems?"

Mick Jewell:

And so we sort of took the plunge, really. We're both risk takers, I think. But we like to... We're calculated risk takers.

Paul Shriever:

Oh, I think that's brilliant, Mick. And clearly, I'd imagine it's hugely rewarding, but also at the same time challenging. Is that something that you face?

Mick Jewell:

It is enormously challenging. As a parent, you go through your own children. And you grow, and you evolve, and you learn with your own children. But you start from day one.

Mick Jewell:

With these children, there's a lot of investigation as to the background, as to however old they are when they come and live with you. It's, "Where have they been? What have they done? What is the damage that's been caused?" And so it's quite exciting from a point of view of trying to break down the code of each child as to, "Why? Where? How? Can you progress them? Can you allow them to thrive?"

Mick Jewell:

And we've been enormously lucky, because a lot of the children that have come to live with us we've ended up looking after for a long time. And that's a huge advantage, because you get that opportunity to help them grow. And you get a chance to make mistakes and repair. I'd imagine you do always, in any walk of life, but-

Paul Shriever:

These children, do they come in... I'm interested in terms of at what age do they come into your home? And how long do they stay for?

Mick Jewell:

Generally in fostering... and children can come into any family from the day they are born till the day before they are 18, technically. In our family, the youngest that has joined our family was four. And the oldest was 17 and a half.

Paul Shriever:

Wow!

Mick Jewell:

Someone who just needed some stability and some security towards the end of their education, and to really just help them to put down some sort of second, or third, or fourth set of roots, really. Because some of these kids unfortunately bounce around different establishments, and foster homes, and the like. But stability and security is the answer for them, really.

Mick Jewell:

So we've been very lucky, because the kids have stayed with us a long time. We've got a young lady living with us at the moment who has been with us. We celebrated last Monday 11 years of her living with us. It's lovely, because even though she's 19, in many ways she is still 11, because you've sort of reprocessed them and rebuilt that person from some quite horrendous issues prior to coming into care. You know?

Mick Jewell:

So it's an amazing process. It is very tough, but the nice bits outweigh the tough bits by a million times.

Paul Shriever:

To be honest: Regardless of the fact that it's a job, you're doing something... like you say... that I just think is good. The reality behind that is you're helping people. And that's a good thing, isn't it?

Mick Jewell:

There are frontline, and there are support networks. And it's no different to the people that we class as "heroes" today. Behind the scenes, there's many people-

Paul Shriever:

Right.

Mick Jewell:

... that you bring away, buying nurses' uniforms, and making sure they've got food, and so on and so forth. We tend to forget about that.

Paul Shriever:

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. But it's one thing to say, "Yeah, I'd like to do that." I mean, I've had thoughts about becoming an ambulance driver. Right? But the actual reality of doing it, and changing my career, and... That's a very big thing to actually, then, really commit to and do. So I just salute you for that. I think it's great-

Chantal Boyle:

Well, you can't clock off at the end of the day.

Paul Shriever:

No!

Chantal Boyle:

Can you? It's-

Paul Shriever:

No!

Chantal Boyle:

... nurturing young people who are the future. How they behave will have an impact on everybody else around them. So to be able to capture them, and nurture them, and give them the best opportunities that they have to have a fulfilled and balanced life is a magical gift. So you know? I wish there were many, many more people like you that we could interview.

Paul Shriever:

Yeah.

Mick Jewell:

Yeah, a lot of people ask me the question as to, "Why do you foster the kids for so long? Why don't you adopt them?" And quite simply, the children that live with us have all got families. It's just that those parents aren't capable of looking after them day-to-day for whatever reason. And it is many reasons in many cases.

Mick Jewell:

Sometimes, you can't rip those kids from their families and say, "We're going to repair you." It's a case of working alongside that family as well. And sometimes, that's the most rewarding parts.

Mick Jewell:

We've had a young lady come back to us recently. She left at age 16 to go and try and live back with mom and dad after being in care for... since she was seven. She tried for two whole years to repair, and maintain, and go back, and jump around. And just before Christmas, we had a phone call to say, "Can I come back and live with you? Because this really isn't working, and I'm 17 and a half now. And I need to get back before I become 18 and everyone sort of leaves me, and the system leaves me, and then everything works out."

Mick Jewell:

So a lot of people feel that it's detrimental to be in the care system. But for a lot of these kids, it is actually a huge positive... And for their families, because their families feel unable to cope, and unable to support them, and just don't know what to do. So-

Paul Shriever:

What's the dynamic between your children and these children? Are you all under the same roof?

Mick Jewell:

So we were for a long time. Funny enough, someone asked me a couple of days ago, "What's the most children you've ever had in your house at one point?" And in 2010, we had nine! We had nine kids, which was five of our own and four kids in care.

Paul Shriever:

I bet that was hectic, wasn't it?

Chantal Boyle:

Loud!

Mick Jewell:

It was amazing! I mean, it was hilarious. And at times, it was amazing. And it was a case of very much... You know? I think our oldest daughter had just gone to uni. And so she was still in the house, but sort of... You know? Off to uni in Loughborough, and then coming back. And it was just a case of taking each day and working out what that day was going to bring, really.

Mick Jewell:

But I can honestly say that all of our children... our youngest being 22 now, oldest being 31... they have all benefited enormously from having that experience, our birth children. And equally, the kids in care that have come to live with us have all benefited from being able to use them as... basically, as role models, people to fight, people to learn safely with... because you've got to allow kids to learn, make mistakes, and be safe. And that's where that all really pans out.

Mick Jewell:

And some of them have amazing relationships. And some of the others just give each other a very wide berth. But we all do that in families anyway!

Paul Shriever:

That's life, isn't it? We all do that in life, don't we? We all connect with certain people and not with others. That's part of it.

Mick Jewell:

That's it. Yeah. But-

Chantal Boyle:

And I think that that's actually an important lesson as well, in that you're not going to be best friends with everybody you meet.

Paul Shriever:

Yes.

Chantal Boyle:

But you learn to rub along together, give distance when you need to, rather than perhaps clashing. And that's a very important life lesson, skill.

Mick Jewell:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Absolutely. Because it is always through life, isn't it? We have to learn to respect and understand other people's different views. And-

Paul Shriever:

You've written a book. It's called Are Difficult Children Difficult, or Just Different?

Mick Jewell:

Bit of a mouthful. Isn't it, Paul?

Paul Shriever:

It is a bit of a mouthful!

Chantal Boyle:

Rolls off the tongue! Yeah.

Paul Shriever:

Yeah. I was going to try and describe what it talks about. It discusses how we can adapt to suit the different learning and progression needs of children. Can you just tell me a little bit more about... You're clearly much more better suited than me. Can you tell me a little bit more about this book, when it came out, and what it's about?

Mick Jewell:

I've spent quite a lot of time over the last few years helping foster carers become foster carers, and working alongside quite a lot of professionals... especially psychologists and teachers... how to understand children, and different approaches to behavior. Partly because of the success and the communication that Sian and I have with the schools and the therapists, all the children have access to therapists and professionals within the school system, whether that be a teaching assistant, or regularly visiting the headmaster, or whatever it may be, and just giving them different strategies.

Mick Jewell:

And I was asked to speak at Great Ormond Street to a group of psychologists, which ended up being about 300 of them in a theater spell, and it was enormously daunting. The visual of everybody afterwards was, "You need to write a book, because we get to see these kids for an hour a week, an hour a month. And we need to understand a lot more about their brain patterns, and behaviors they are doing, and their ways, and the strategies that you've done." And I came back and I said to Sian, "Someone said to me, 'Write a book'." And she went, "I done told you you should have wrote a book!" You know? "Write a book!"

Mick Jewell:

And so I'd started to put it down. And once I started to write it, it sort of just flowed really easily. It was very much a case of just trying to write down of all the things you were doing every day for every child. But once I broke it down into the areas, it became quite simple. And the strategies were very much based on the children, and how they worked, and ticked, and their different traits. And it was just a good way of putting it down for people, really, to say, "You know what we don't need? Too much teaching, learning, science courses for days and days."

Mick Jewell:

Sometimes it is just about trial and error, and knowing what people have tried, knowing what they can try, and being happy to stand up and say, "You know what? I looked silly that day, but I learned something from looking silly. And I'm going to change that tomorrow because this worked with one child, but I tried it with the next, and it was just an absolute disaster."

Mick Jewell:

And that's pretty much what the book is about, really. It's about trying to get people to change their ways of approaching children with hidden disabilities, children with hidden pasts, children that don't even know why they're acting like they are. You know? Through various ages, then progressing on and helping those children to progress and understand themselves much better for them. So it's a daily process, isn't it? So once you start to break it down, it's quite simple.

Paul Shriever:

The whole thought of me trying to write a book... Have you written a book before?

Mick Jewell:

No. No, that was the crazy thing! It was really... I can talk for England, as you've just worked out. Whether I could write for England was a different matter. And so I just said, "You know what? I've got nothing to lose. If I produce this and one other foster carer reads it, that's good enough for me."

Mick Jewell:

In my network of people, we had a retired English teacher. And she said, "I'll read it for you!" And that was it. And she gave it back to me, and she said, "Apart from a few semi-colons and a little bit of grammar, it's amazing! You need to put it out there." And I said-

Paul Shriever:

Brilliant.

Mick Jewell:

... "Now, tell me the truth." And she said, "I am!" And she said, "And honestly, I was being ultra critical, because I wanted to make it right." And she said, "But do you know what? It sounds like you're speaking. And because I know you, it is very genuine. It's very-"

Paul Shriever:

Yeah. Amazing!

Mick Jewell:

... "to the the point. And it will help people as a manual." Quite a lot of people on the frontline use it as well. A lot of teachers are using it in the special educational needs schools, the people with thorough units.

Mick Jewell:

I had a headmaster from Essex just before Christmas send me one of my books and then ask me to sign it for one of his staff, "Because this person is very... He also needs one." So he said, "I'm going to buy him one for Christmas." And it was just a nice-

Paul Shriever:

Yeah. That's fantastic.

Mick Jewell:

... It was a nice badge to wear, really, to tell you what. Somebody is using it, and it's working. So-

Chantal Boyle:

That's a really good way, isn't it, of spreading and sharing all of your knowledge and experience? Which is... It's real life. It's not been learned at university. You've actually had that honest experience. And so to be able to create a manual... as you put it... that will outlive you, and that's a wonderful gift.

Mick Jewell:

As a carer and a human, we're taught to be sort of... quite... humble. And I went through all of those emotions of, "Should I do it? Or is it a bit arrogant to write it down? Or..." Because you're always worried about these areas.

Mick Jewell:

And then you say, "You know what? It is just to help as many people as you can." And being a single person... I know we've sort of found this new form of podcasts that we're doing now, and people go on YouTube and sorts to share the word of what they're doing... but it's not that easy to spread the word sometimes. And to just help somebody, it was a really nice way of doing it. And yeah, I was lucky enough that someone else believed in it as well. So-

Chantal Boyle:

So the Hidden Disability Sunflower provides a means for people to indicate that they have a hidden disability so that people who are trained to recognize it to offer help. Can I ask: How do you see the Sunflower playing a role in helping society to change support for people with disabilities and perhaps relating it back to your experience with your children that you fostered?

Mick Jewell:

I'm very aware in the role that I take on as foster carer of the stigma attached to being disabled, and less fortunate, or different as in my book. And it became very obvious to me that it was very helpful for people to be able to be recognized from a distance by wearing something that was pleasant and approachable. When we see a sunflower, we all want to smile and go, "Oh, that's lovely!"

Mick Jewell:

And it's amazing, the project, really. And I think from that point of view, it really does help people to break down barriers, and to understand, and to be kind. It's the most important. Kind, polite, accepting, all of those areas that so often in society people don't have time to do.

Mick Jewell:

And just by recognizing that... I worked in a lot of busy places when I was working. As I said to you earlier, one of my last projects was in Heathrow Airport. I'd spend a lot of time around the tubes of London and places like that, and realized that people aren't given the amount of time that they need. And people lack the patience, and they'll get very frustrated if somebody is being a bit lumbering in a queue, or so on and so forth. So I think it's amazing, really, from that point of view. It's an absolute must for anyone that requires it.

Chantal Boyle:

I mean, your recounting of life in London pre-pandemic is pretty terrifying for anybody. But if you have a hidden disability and you need a little bit more time, the experience of being crushed onto a tube, or people getting annoyed with you because you're not ordering your cup of tea quick enough, must feel incredibly overwhelming.

Chantal Boyle:

And also, I think young people... I don't know whether you would agree, or what your thoughts are on this... but the older generation tend to have a negative view of teenagers before they've even opened their mouths. And there's a lot of pressure on young people to behave and act like adults and grown-ups. And if they're laughing and having fun together, then it can be sometimes perceived as being threatening behavior. What's your thoughts on that? And if you have a hidden disability-

Mick Jewell:

One of the... I used to be heavily involved in the Skills to Foster program, which trains foster carers and allows people to have an insight into foster care before they take the plunge. And for about five or six years, I used to sit and help people work that out from the foster carers sort of view.

Mick Jewell:

We used to run an exercise in that, and we used to show people photographs of children who were in care who either looked different, or just looked threatening, or looked unusual, and just asked them to have a totally un-PC vision of what that person was. And quite often, they would be quite damning and very judgmental on that. But that was the point of the exercise.

Mick Jewell:

But the whole point was that someone who is wearing a hoodie or is in a group of people isn't necessarily confident, isn't necessarily able to communicate properly. You know? He's following that crowd because they don't know any better from that point of view, or he's acting in that manner to hide all the fear that's behind him. And quite often, it's people who need something to highlight to be able to be recognized.

Mick Jewell:

And I think that's where your scheme comes into play. It really does help people to be able to communicate without communicating in that sense, because it is such a hard process. And the world is so confusing. And like you say, Chantal: In a busy city, how do you break into making sense of all the people, and let alone yourself? And-

Chantal Boyle:

Yeah. How did you actually hear of the Hidden Disability Sunflower?

Mick Jewell:

Through all the focus groups, really. Support groups. And one of the groups, they had identified this scheme. It was the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder Group, people that are looking after children that have been exposed to alcohol pre-birth. And it has an amazingly long-term effect on the brain of a child and the development of their brain.

Mick Jewell:

Quite often, they class the children that have the physical element of that disability... which is sometimes facial recognition, areas of the face that change... as being the lucky ones, because people notice immediately they're different because their facial features are very different. It's slightly alien to a lot of people.

Mick Jewell:

And that group were basically saying, "Oh, this is wondrous! We've got something now that we can actually use for the kids that don't look different." The kids that are having tantrums in a queue, the kids that are finding it very difficult to regulate and settle in school, and so on and so forth, or in an airport, or in the local place and time. To be able to wear something that may help somebody recognize that is an absolute gift to them.

Chantal Boyle:

Do you think that people should have to show proof that they have a hidden disability before having the right to wear a lanyard, for example?

Mick Jewell:

Absolutely not! My book that I published already was about difficult children not being difficult. They're just different. And it very much goes into... Why are we attempting to label people? Why are we saying to people, "You either can or can't access this because you haven't got the right to."

Mick Jewell:

Everybody identifies with something different. People's absolute right to say... If there's a visual aspect that someone says, "I need a bit more time. I feel anxious. I feel scared. I feel fear in this situation." That's got to be a plus. There will be people that abuse it along the way, but it's not bringing the monetary values, and it's not getting you to the front of the ride at Alton Towers unless someone maybe digs a little bit deeper and recognizes that you do need a bit more help. But definitely not a medical element, I would say.

Mick Jewell:

And I think as a foster carer... Well, everybody wants to be part of the supposed "norm." Everybody wants to be respected. Everybody wants to be treated equally. As soon as you start treating people and making them have access to things by having certificates, and medical elements, and... It really diminishes the whole message, as far as I'm concerned. It's a very individual-

Chantal Boyle:

Yeah. The one of kindness.

Mick Jewell:

... Yeah. It's a very individual element, to say... You know? And why not old people as well? There's a lot of people in the world that are much more frail than they look. They're frail mentally rather than physically. Even people like that, technically, they have a hidden disability, because people with Parkinson's disease, people that are suffering with dementia... You know? It's a huge area! It's a huge area where there's a lot of people that need a form of recognition.

Paul Shriever:

Absolutely. It's very nuanced, isn't it? You know? There's so many different aspects to it. But we're all individual. You know? And different.

Mick Jewell:

Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it's very much in the news at the moment, isn't it? And there's this, "Oh, are we all different? Or are we all the same?" The answer to that is, "We are all individual."

Paul Shriever:

Yeah.

Mick Jewell:

And we can be what we want when we want. And it's our right to be that. So if we want to be helped, we can ask for help. Sometimes we can't communicate that. So I think your scheme allows people do that on a very simple level.

Paul Shriever:

Yeah. Absolutely.

Chantal Boyle:

It's our job.

Paul Shriever:

Mick, you built your own house! I'm just going to talk to you about your home. You built your own home in a remarkable 22 weeks. Was this something you always wanted to do? And was the design influenced by being foster carers, and the approach to adapt you speak about in your book?

Mick Jewell:

Yeah. Over many years since I was 20, I've been involved in design and building houses for architectural practices, and then my own companies as I got a bit older. And it was always something to find. It doesn't always appear at the right opportunity in the right time. And it very much came to process that we had an opportunity to do it. And it was a case of, "Let's incorporate this as a house that works for us."

Mick Jewell:

We managed to design a house that had very individual spaces for each child, i.e. their bedrooms, but they all had input into that and made it work for them in their various forms. Then we made sure that what we had on the ground floor was a very open plan. In fact, we've not got one wall on the ground floor apart from one which creates a dogs' bedroom, because we have two Great Danes, which is a slight extravagance.

Mick Jewell:

But it is future-proofed in the fact that it's got its own bathroom. So it was put there in case we did have to look after anyone who had a disability as well. But it's got two great big dogs at the moment. But-

Paul Shriever:

You haven't got enough in your house already, Mick? You've decided to put two Great Danes in there with you?

Mick Jewell:

Oh, why not? Why not? Create a little bit more... Yeah. And then there were three last week by some... but they think they're a couple of Chihuahuas, really. They're-

Chantal Boyle:

Bet they don't eat like Chihuahuas!

Mick Jewell:

No, they don't, as I'm sure you know. It's a crazy, crazy world.

Mick Jewell:

But no, I mean, it's amazing. And again, animals for the children are amazing. Because they have a connection where they can talk, communicate, relate with any animal, let alone a huge dog that's the size of them. And they can lay around, and jibber and jabber away. And you can find out an amazing amount about a child via animals. You know? So it does help from that point of view. It helps them to communicate. It helps them to relax. It helps them to feel... You know?

Mick Jewell:

Again, when the rest of the plan... They're all teenagers, they're considered here, at the moment. So they're aged between 14 and 19. So they do have individual space. But it's nice for, then, one of them to come down if they don't want to be in their own space. If they're struggling with something, they come down, and there's two great big dogs there. And they can sit and pet, or lie, or even throw them a lump of sausage, or whatever it may be to interact with them. It's very therapeutic, and it helps with-

Chantal Boyle:

Pet therapy is quite widely used, isn't it?

Paul Shriever:

Yeah.

Mick Jewell:

Yeah. Definitely. And even the sort of that guidebook element at the moment that's being extended within our community, that's being extended to a lot of other people now. That group that I mentioned earlier, about the fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, those children quite often display as quite autistic in their ways. And they struggle with communicating with other humans because of facial recognition issues and memory issues.

Mick Jewell:

And the group have started, actually, therapy dogs for them. And it's working wonders, because it's giving them the confidence to get out and to move about with somebody they feel safe with. He's got four legs, but it's somebody they feel safe with. And it's-

Chantal Boyle:

Yeah. Assistance dogs. Before we say goodbye: Your book, and where can we get it from?

Mick Jewell:

So it's called Are Difficult Children Difficult, or Just Different? What if We Can Change to Help Them? It's available in the English language across all of the Amazon platform, across the world, in Europe. And it's available as a Kindle if you want it immediately.

Mick Jewell:

If anyone wants to make contact with me and talk about it afterwards, I'm enormously happy for people to. And if they've got specific elements to talk about... Because it's something that I really am passionate about, helping people, and helping make sense for foster carers, adoptive parents, regular parents, parents in lockdown... which is a huge area at the moment. Obviously, people are spending a lot more time with their kids. And in the sense of education, it's not as easy as people believe it is. And equally for teaching staff, professionals, and the like. So we've had a really good response to it.

Chantal Boyle:

So I guess all that's left for us to say is thank you so much for your time today, Mick-

Paul Shriever:

Yeah, thank you, Mick!

Chantal Boyle:

... sharing your incredible journey, it's been really interesting to hear how Hidden Disabilities have helped your foster children and the various groups that you have been working with over the years.